How many times have you wanted so badly to walk up to someone and hold them? To tell them you love them, but your pride gets in the way? Or how you forget what is most important, because you are blinded by your own emotions, and the things you want. I have held back countless heartfelt emotions for people because of my own inner battles. Not knowing what to feel or how to express it. Ever since I was a child, young, too young. Barely able to remember much of my childhood, or my eldest sister. Memories, happy memories, forgotten or placed in the deepest thoughts of my mind, because I have forced myself to get so many other memories. Repressed them, in order to keep my sanity in tact. Memories I cannot recall now that I wish I could.
How many times did my sister hold me? How many times did my father tell me he loved me? How many times had my mother taken care of me when I was sick? I do not know. The Bible says that God will not place any burden on you, too great to bare. Some people have told me they don't believe in God because of that very thing. If that is true, then why do people commit suicide, unable to accept the reality of the world around them. When the walls are closing in so tight and you are overwhelmed and can hardly breathe.
I have battled within my own mind and emotions, questioning my belief in God. Though sometimes I catch myself doubting, I truly believe for if he exists, he is not a liar. You don't commit suicide because you are unable to accept the world around you. You do it because you choose not to. You give up, and release any strength you had to make it through in the process. Afraid of what is to come. Everyone has the ability to live on, just maybe not in the way we expect.
So some people say God isn't real because of suicide or poverty. While some live wealthy and wonderful lives. To that I say, each person is different. Noone is the same, and because of that each of us have different limitations to how much pain we can endure. One man loses his arms and legs, yet he claims to be happier than he has ever been his entire life. Yet another man, with all that he could desire, is truly miserable. No... If God is real, he is not a liar. You have lost your entire family, while another only lost a pet. To you I say, is your pain truly greater than theirs? Certainly if they lost their family they would hurt terribly, but at this particular point in their life, maybe the loss of a pet is all they can endure at that moment.
So your problems, to you are worse than theirs. In truth, they may end up experiencing the exact same pains as you. In way they already are, loss is the same. No matter what you lose, just in different volumes. Noone has more or less pain than you. For that pain, truly may be all they can handle. Their breaking point, for you know not what they have been through, or what they will go through.
I have lead a troubled life. More than that, a terrible childhood. Though I try to forget, dreams and memories of my past (Though they aren't unbelievable or extraordinary) I am still suffering from them. One of the worst pains I have ever felt, was watching a 3 year old die. Powerless to save him, and to distracted to notice anything was wrong until it was too late. Truly, the responsibility of such an innocent life in your hands, lost. Is one pain, I can honestly say, I never wish to experience again.
I am not a very open person, and in that sense I do not speak about my emotions very often or to anyone outside of my circle of truest friends, which happens to contain 2 people. My parents were poor, my father would drink and fight with my mother. Him punching a hole through the bathroom wall and yelling at her is the oldest memory I have of any of them, I must've been 3 or so. My eldest sister, a similar time span. Also the only memory I have of her, before I was 13. Them in the hallway, my fathers hands around her throat and my mother slapping him on the back to release her.
He spun and pushed his arms out open palmed simultaneously against each of her shoulders, she lost her balance and stumbled backwards into the arm of our couch. She broke 3 ribs, soon after they divorced. Though it hardly matter, they were both unfaithful anyways. Even in previous marriages. That was the first time I ever had my heart broken. Though I was protecting my mom, and I was too little to seriously do anything. I went up and kicked my father in the shin, and when I looked into his eyes all I could see was pain and betrayal. He wasn't even angry. Just sad.
My superhero, his pride and joy. We loved each other truly. I think both our hearts broke that day, but I was only protecting my mother. It was the first emotional pain I remember feeling. After their divorce I only saw my father occasionally, and on weekends. For the most part, he just wasn't around. As I got older, though still young and unable to defend myself or my family from a grown man. My mothers boyfriend, who through deceipt and power took control of the lives of myself, my mother, and my youngest sister. Who is still older than I.
The many times I was beaten or forced to do incredulous and tedious jobs for the man, or watched my mother and sister suffer at the hands of such a sadistic person. Many times I would run, down to the street to my friends. The closest thing I ever really had to a family. Knowing it was only temporary salvation, it was worth the severe punishment I would recieve upon my return home. Which was many a week. Many phone calls, ambulances, and police visits later and still the man was never punished. Neither were an of us saved from the clutches of what in all sincerity I see as one of the most evil and pitiful human beings I have ever known.
Many times did I truly believe my father or my uncle together would come save us. All the times they had said if this man ever touched me again that they would kill him. Yet they never came. I remember one christmas, the first time I remember seeing my sister, Brother-In-Law and nephew since before my parents' divorce. Oh how relived was I to know they were coming, and my loving sister would be here, and my Brother. Who would beat this man into humility for all that he has done and never w0uld he hurt us again.
Though that never happened either, but I wished so many times they too, would somehow save us. So the only thing I could do is run, almost on a daily basis. Though the punishment was always severe when I returned home. I would stay out, sometimes until 6 A.M. no matter if I had school the next day or not. Sometimes when the man came looking for me my friend would take toys and follow me into the sewer and keep my company while we hid.
Many times since then and even after I got away from that place, there were times when I thought hell itself may have been a better substitute for me than this life I have lead. I have never known love, though I feel it for many. Even for the man who once tortured me mercilessly and still has a hold on my mother. Though I cannot say it's all him, she had chosen that path. I cannot save her, unless she is willing. Over time I came to forgive the man, and eventually pity him. He was and is a very pained individual who doesn't know how to overcome his own demons, and in spite of everything, even him destroying what family I may have had. I forgive him, and I love him. For he is a person, and I see through his anger. I see his pain, and I know what is pain is from. Though my forgiveness and pity toward him would not save him should her ever cross my path again with evil in his heart, or ever touch my family.
I have never known love.... How does it feel for someone to hold you and tell you they love you? For you to truly believe them and be able to return the feeling? Someone who would not ridicule you behind your back but who sincerely loves you. Someone who could love, the way I do. I have never known what it feels like to be a recipient. For I say that I doubt sometimes in God's existence, and so I do. Though I truly believe in the principles of the Bible. So if I ever dared to say that I am a non-believer. What then punishments would I assume if I were wrong in my assumptions? No.... if I do and I am wrong, the consequences would be severe indeed. Religion can be just as meaningful for someone who doubts as it would for someone who claims to know.
A way of life, a religion to match what is in your heart. What is in my heart, I know and will not back down. I know what is right, and I will not wander. Those principles I believe in, and they are a reflection of what is inside me. I would have no problem dying even for a stranger on the street if I knew it would truly save their life. Though I do not know how to show my emotions, because of the wall I have made over my life span. The only defense I have against anymore emotional hurt. For the emotional pain that I have experienced lingers and hurts more deeply than any physical pain I have ever experienced and I would willingly go through much more. If only I would remove the mind breaking memories and torture.
I keep those walls up, if I let them down... I would break, and what a poor and pitiful thing indeed would I turn into. My emotions aren't like most people I know, things that should anger me are passive. Things that others should care for more than they do, touch me deeper than I can explain. Though I have seen many people shed tears, I may not show any concern at all, but in passing I can feel their pain. Only my pride keeps me from approaching. I battle those emotions everday, blinded by my own pain.
So I have never been close to my family, never had a real relationship. Though I know I would be a great father, I have learned what it takes many people many years to learn. from living in a broken home, and wanting love. I feel it everyday, and I know what it takes. I know the sacrifices and the gains, but most importantly. I know, that like my father before would not. I will be there for my children, and my wife. My family has never tried to understand me, or my feelings. We have never been close, never a relationship.
Both from family and from romance I have endured many heartbreaks, Too caught up in their own wants and emotions to sacrifice an equal amount of emotion to make a relationship work. I end up giving 100% and overcompensating, and in turn only recieving a miniscule amount. More so from family than anything. Never noticing when I open my heart and show as much love as I can possibly give, I am looked upon as an inconvenience than someone who truly cares and wants to comfort them.
From being turned away so many times, I find myself often avoiding any confrontation with anyone at all. Especially if someone is upset, because usually when I put forth an effort. People will lie and say they are fine, or tell me they don't want to talk about it. Truly I understand for at times I do not wish to talk, but when I put forth effort time and time again and repeatedly show you I care and you turn me away. You will not recieve it again. Appreciate what you have, or you will lose it. In all aspects of your life. Take nothing for granted.
I am very embarassed revealing so much about my life. Even though it is little compared to everything that has happened, it still is alot to read. Please, forgive me. This is my testimony.
Also, this is what I am thankful for. I am stronger than I could have ever imagined, because of what I have been through. Physicially, if angered. I feel no pain. Blocked out by memories and images of my past when my anger is released, I feel nothing. Outraged and sometimes feeling like something worse dwells inside me, but I have learned to use that to love and what a beautiful thing it is when I am successful in helping someone.
So, thankfulness.... What is the one thing I am truly thankful for? Love. Unconditional love. Something I have never known, and never thought I would know. I know how it feels to feel these emotions for others. But never have I recieved it, though it is far from what is in my heart it is enough to touch me and stir my emotions. I have known the definition of unconditional love. Though it is hard for me to truly take it in, my emotions are buried so deep I cannot release them, but I feel them stirring. So I know it is great indeed, if this can touch me. I can one day feel like I should and be a normal person.
My first real relationship with any of my family is with my oldest sister, my brother in law and my nephew. Though we do not have that closeness, which still I am closer to my 2 true friends (Who I also consider family) than I am my sister, this is the closest i've ever been to any of them, and I have always loved her and her family. As she loves me. I have not had bad luck in my life, though it has been painful. Everything that has happened, I could not have wished for anything else. I would never have come to see my sister, The one person my entire life I always wanted to be around.
Even though sometimes when I am sad and feel like a child again, I would love to curl into a ball and lay in her lap and cry. No.... I am stronger than that, and now thta my brother is leaving for Iraq. She will need me. I only hope he will be alright. I have not brought anything with me except some clothes and a book, but I have everything I need. Everything that matters most in life, No I do not have a wife, children, even a girlfriend. But I do have my first real family, and this is it. True happiness.
Being with loved ones and sharing happy moments to take with you wherever you go. Happiness is not a place, or a person. it is inside you. You carry it everywhere you go, just like you carry all of your pain. The happy moments, true happy moments. Moments of laughter and smiles. Love and tears. You will remember those, and always will they make you laugh and bring a smile to your face. That is true happiness. It only lasts a moment, the highest peak of absolute pure happoiness lasts for so short a moment, that when it happens. You don't even recognize it, unless you are looking for it. The short laugh when your friend told you the funniest joke you have ever heard. The smile you get when you remember back a moment in your life that you enjoyed. Or the moment when you do not laugh or smile at all, but you are staring into your lovers eyes and all you see is love inside the, for you.
That is true happiness, every memory. Just as effective as the painful ones or more so. For if you are still here enduring the hard times, then surely you have something to live for. Or you would not be here, Those few seconds of happiness that are so rare and far between outweigh weeks and months of pain you experience at a time.
On Christmas when you are celebrating and opening presents, or if you cannot afford gifts at all. Remember that Christmas is not about gifts. It's the spirit of giving that warps your thoughts and makes you forget what the true meaning is. Not just the birth of Christ, but the meaning of family and friends. Sharing laughter and happy moments in your life, and creating new ones. Share in them and surely your Christmas will be a great one indeed. Regardless of how many gifts you recieve. Family, friends, and love.
These... Are the greatest gifts of all.
